The Gremlins

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Let me introduce you to my gremlins, ADHD, OCD and Autism.

Today I had a thought that visiting some shops in the sales was a fabulous idea! I ignored my body and the autism, both of which screamed at me to stay at home and rest, and I went anyway. I was quite happy at home, but the ADHD gets an idea, and, before I know it, there I am, doing an activity that I have no interest in doing but appear to do anyway because a fleeting thought quickly becomes a hyper fixation. The ADHD does not really like routine or order, but my autism and OCD do, so they argue. The ADHD often wins, much to my dismay, and the OCD and the autism’s disdain.

In town, I met friends, and we went to a busy restaurant. My fingers twirled constantly, my leg jiggled, and my head was spinning from the noise. I have no idea why I do such things; it is never fun, and all I want to do is escape. Well, I do know why: the ADHD loves spontaneity, being the absolute gremlin that it is. I look around and wonder why people talk about the things they do. They discuss things that I have trained myself over the years to ask about, such as the weather or what they are doing on holiday, because I learned that if I do that, then I fit in more. People grew tired of talking about my interests or deep subjects; they thought it rather odd. Frankly, I would rather discuss the meaning of life or the state of the world, so that must be kept in a box until I meet people who enjoy discussions of such topics.

After I left, I walked around town. People were everywhere, and they kept bumping into me. I felt invaded and could feel stress, anxiety, and frustration bubbling. I wanted to escape that very moment but could not. People cut in front of me, their big, heavy shopping bags hit my legs, and I wanted to scream. I walked around the shops and wondered what on earth I was doing here. I felt rather disappointed that I had allowed myself to become embroiled in classic capitalism. I wish I had just stayed at home because it was much easier, rather than this bizarre situation I voluntarily pursued, where I felt my skin crawling and my mind screaming. I remembered that ADHD the swine had sought the perfect coat that very same day, so of course, waiting seemed impossible.

It is a funny old thing, this brain of mine. I often wish it would just give me a break.

I decided to skip a few shops as I remembered there was a reason I felt this way: the autism hates busy places. But I could reduce stimuli and feel better again. I did not know this some years ago because I was diagnosed late, like many women are, so I used to force myself to do these things; it never ended well. The call of my home was strong. As soon as I got in, I told my family I was taking some time out and proceeded to sit in a quiet dark room for a while. I have learnt this regulates my central nervous system and quiets the autism. Well, until ADHD fights against it and screams, “We must do something! We cannot sit here resting, it is a waste of time!” and I scream back, ‘BE QUIET BRAIN!’.

That ADHD really is a bane to my life.

I used up much capacity today, so I am putting off jobs until tomorrow. It feels uncomfortable doing this because the autism and OCD like everything ordered, perfect and complete. But sometimes, it cannot be that, so I try to accept the imperfect; this is necessary as the ADHD creates chaos. It often feels like ADHD is on one shoulder and autism and OCD are on the other, and they argue. ADHD likes to be wild and free, and autism likes to be quiet and ordered and to have nothing changed, OCD just likes everything perfect.  You could call them enemies; they certainly wind each other up, and me in the process!  I try to find humour in this, which is why I describe here ADHD, OCD, and autism as annoying gremlins. Nature, rest, supportive people, accommodations, and learning skills to manage them all help keep these little gremlins at bay so I can control them, not the other way around. I will end this on; I did not even need a winter coat; I forgot I already have five!